dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
