Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
