the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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