Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
