Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
