Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dear god my vagina.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
