I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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