There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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