How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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