sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
