In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
