i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
