Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize