my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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