It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
