apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
