I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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