and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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