My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
