I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
They are going to name an STD after you.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
