Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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