I haven't been this sober since birth.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
