You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
