dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
