don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
