Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
