White coat. Heels.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
