I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
