i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
