I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
