I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
