I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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