the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Couch. On fire.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
