Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
