OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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