we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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