I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
