i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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