i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
