bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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