I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
