I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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