Umm I'm too high to move.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
