I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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