As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
