Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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