Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
