I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
