I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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