once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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