Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
