why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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