i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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