He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Your topless pictures make me question reality
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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