My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
