I am in a vortex of obligation.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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