I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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