Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
