I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
