If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
