i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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