I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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