I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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