My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize